Prayer of a Searching, Desperate, Broken Spirit

Oh Jesus.

Thank You. Thank You. 
I love You.
I went to Grant and Colby's youth group today, just for fun. I didn't have anything else to do. Right before I left I felt like I didn't even want to go anymore. I wanted to stay home and work on my scrapbook. 
Anyway, we watched a video of clips from The Passion of the Christ. At first, I was thinking, "oh, I've seen this many times before. No biggie." But each time I saw the soldiers whipping You, I couldn't look. I had to close my eyes. It was so real to me. Suddenly I felt this love for You that I don't know that I've ever felt before. 
I love You so much. 
You are my friend. Well, at least I want You to be. I don't know if I've been allowing You to be my friend. You are the only friend that will ever truly accept 100% of me. You will never back-stab me. You will never be mad at me. You will never jokingly mess around with me. But most importantly, You will never, ever, leave me. I want to be able to walk with You, laugh with You, talk with You; just, hang out. I want You to be my best friend. 
Thank You for the cross.
I've been thinking about something a lot lately, now that I'm close to graduation. There is one thing I regret since coming to Nebraska. I kind of know, and can kind of see how You are using me at my youth group. I catch glimpses of that every once in a while. But, I look back over the last year and a half, and I don't see it at school. Especially within drama. I'm seen as this, type of leader, I guess, at youth group. People come to me for advice, and two of the leaders are some of my closest friends because we can have amazing mature discussions about You. They share with me some things they don't share with some of the other teenagers. I, I guess...I regret not showing that side of me at school. I wish I had, because really, that's who I truly am. At school, I'm Slagathor; the drama geek, the loud, kind of awkward one from Minnesota. Which is all fine, but that's not all I am. I regret not sharing You with more of my friends. I regret saying things I shouldn't have. I regret not saying things that I know I should have. I regret doing things I shouldn't have. I regret not doing things I know I should have. 
I love you more than life.

"I will not boast in anything, no gifts no power no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection"

I'm looking for You, Jesus. I'm searching for You. I want to find You. You are the Treasure, the Prize. 
I'm need You, God. I'm desperate for You. You, and You alone will sustain me. 
I'm broken, Holy Spirit. Restore me, Lord. I come before You a broken, and shattered spirit, ready for Your healing touch.

"How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure
That He should give his only son, and make a wretch his treasure"
Thank You, for everything.

I will always and forever be, Your willing daughter and best friend.

In Jesus' name,
Amen 

Slagathor

I need to write. I just don't know what to write about. Lately, I've been feeling what I haven't felt in years. The feeling of emptiness, sadness, hurt, and like my life has no meaning at this point in time. I haven't felt this since before March 8th 2007. Ugh, I can't think of the word, but there is a word to describe exactly what I'm feeling. Disappointment? No. Unworthiness? Close, but not. I know that this is not God. I know it's not. I just...I'm just ready to move on. I can feel myself stepping into a new season with God. That hunger that I had that one summer, that summer of 2007, is slowly coming back. That ache to know God even deeper, even more than ever before. I need to leave, go to Kansas City and start over there. I used to dread going there. I hated the thought of it. I didn't want to leave what I had just found here. But now, all of a sudden, all that has changed. It's still extremely important to me, but what God has for me in Kansas City means more than everything else. So, all in all, it's very confusing. In the midst of feeling like my life has no meaning, I still feel like I'm falling deeper in love with Jesus Christ.

I have a nickname. That name is Slagathor. People call me Slags.(And if you are a fan of the TV show Scrubs, you will recognize it) I like that nickname cuz I feel like it fits me right now. I have no idea what the heck it means, or why it was chosen, but it's odd, and it feels like it fits.