Prayer of a Searching, Desperate, Broken Spirit

Oh Jesus.

Thank You. Thank You. 
I love You.
I went to Grant and Colby's youth group today, just for fun. I didn't have anything else to do. Right before I left I felt like I didn't even want to go anymore. I wanted to stay home and work on my scrapbook. 
Anyway, we watched a video of clips from The Passion of the Christ. At first, I was thinking, "oh, I've seen this many times before. No biggie." But each time I saw the soldiers whipping You, I couldn't look. I had to close my eyes. It was so real to me. Suddenly I felt this love for You that I don't know that I've ever felt before. 
I love You so much. 
You are my friend. Well, at least I want You to be. I don't know if I've been allowing You to be my friend. You are the only friend that will ever truly accept 100% of me. You will never back-stab me. You will never be mad at me. You will never jokingly mess around with me. But most importantly, You will never, ever, leave me. I want to be able to walk with You, laugh with You, talk with You; just, hang out. I want You to be my best friend. 
Thank You for the cross.
I've been thinking about something a lot lately, now that I'm close to graduation. There is one thing I regret since coming to Nebraska. I kind of know, and can kind of see how You are using me at my youth group. I catch glimpses of that every once in a while. But, I look back over the last year and a half, and I don't see it at school. Especially within drama. I'm seen as this, type of leader, I guess, at youth group. People come to me for advice, and two of the leaders are some of my closest friends because we can have amazing mature discussions about You. They share with me some things they don't share with some of the other teenagers. I, I guess...I regret not showing that side of me at school. I wish I had, because really, that's who I truly am. At school, I'm Slagathor; the drama geek, the loud, kind of awkward one from Minnesota. Which is all fine, but that's not all I am. I regret not sharing You with more of my friends. I regret saying things I shouldn't have. I regret not saying things that I know I should have. I regret doing things I shouldn't have. I regret not doing things I know I should have. 
I love you more than life.

"I will not boast in anything, no gifts no power no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection"

I'm looking for You, Jesus. I'm searching for You. I want to find You. You are the Treasure, the Prize. 
I'm need You, God. I'm desperate for You. You, and You alone will sustain me. 
I'm broken, Holy Spirit. Restore me, Lord. I come before You a broken, and shattered spirit, ready for Your healing touch.

"How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure
That He should give his only son, and make a wretch his treasure"
Thank You, for everything.

I will always and forever be, Your willing daughter and best friend.

In Jesus' name,
Amen 

Slagathor

I need to write. I just don't know what to write about. Lately, I've been feeling what I haven't felt in years. The feeling of emptiness, sadness, hurt, and like my life has no meaning at this point in time. I haven't felt this since before March 8th 2007. Ugh, I can't think of the word, but there is a word to describe exactly what I'm feeling. Disappointment? No. Unworthiness? Close, but not. I know that this is not God. I know it's not. I just...I'm just ready to move on. I can feel myself stepping into a new season with God. That hunger that I had that one summer, that summer of 2007, is slowly coming back. That ache to know God even deeper, even more than ever before. I need to leave, go to Kansas City and start over there. I used to dread going there. I hated the thought of it. I didn't want to leave what I had just found here. But now, all of a sudden, all that has changed. It's still extremely important to me, but what God has for me in Kansas City means more than everything else. So, all in all, it's very confusing. In the midst of feeling like my life has no meaning, I still feel like I'm falling deeper in love with Jesus Christ.

I have a nickname. That name is Slagathor. People call me Slags.(And if you are a fan of the TV show Scrubs, you will recognize it) I like that nickname cuz I feel like it fits me right now. I have no idea what the heck it means, or why it was chosen, but it's odd, and it feels like it fits.

There's No Place Like Home - An Environmental Memoir

My best friend, Sarah, and I had a running joke that when we tapped our heels together and chanted, "There's no place like home" that nothing would happen because the Elk River Little Theatre was, in fact, our "home".

After being involved with ten productions in the Little Theatre, not including various talent shows and choir concerts, I can't even begin to imagine how many hours I spent there. I can fondly look back to each show and remember memories that were good, and some that were not so good. The Little Theatre was very well named. It was a small, brick-walled theatre in the Elk River Public High School. It had two isles which split the seats into three groups of a hundred and an extremely tiny light booth in the back of the house. And depending on the show, we hardly had any backstage space; but a school hallway on the right side of the theatre helped wiht our larger cast plays. The scene shop behind the backstage was filled up with costumes and various set pieces and it always had this musty smell that kind of seeped into the rest of the stage area.

My favorite part of the Little Theatre was definitely the stage. I remember my very first play was on that stage and I was so surprised when the lights first came on; I couldn't see the audience! The lights were blinding me, and beyond that, it was just a black hole that protected me from the focused stares of the people in front of me. Every once in a while I could hear someone's loud father laughing at a part that wasn't even very funny, or a little kid start crying with a mom that was too stubborn to take the whimpering child outside the theatre. But other than that, it was like I was in a separate world on stage.

I loved the building, the stage, but what I miss most are the people. They were what made the Little Theatre so special to me. Even though I hated the times we had to have rehearsals in the elementary music room, practice was the part of the day I looked forward to and loved the most; because of the people I was with. Throughout my three and a half years there, I developed bonds with people that I knew would last for a lifetime. With Sarah, with my director, with my friend Mike, and so many others that impacted my life on such a level I will never be able to explain. We didn't just perform together, we lived life together. When our friend was suicidal, Sarah and I were there for him. When Derick's daddy drama was getting too much to handle, we took him out for ice cream. When Sarah and I were having a tiff, Kristin was there to remind we that the friendship between Sarah and I was so strong, that the little thing we were fighting about would blow over in about a day; and she was always right. Or when I found out I was moving to Papillion, my whole "family" at the Little Theatre was there to help me through all of that emotional crap.

My favorite memory of all has to be from my last show. It was Disney's Aladdin Jr. and we had just finished our last performance; we were all smiling and happy with our success. The cast was about the leave the stage after our bow when my director Eileen walked on with a bouquet of roses. I had never instantly gone from smiling to tears before, but wen I saw her I knew exactly what she was doing. With herself tearing up as well, she presented the roses to me in front of the entire audience explaining how, "This year was the last performance for one of You Theatre Workshop's greatest loved ones." By the end of her speech, the entire cast had surrounded me in a huge group hug and over half of them were in tears as well.

For the first few weeks after that, I tried my hardest to keep those roses alive because I felt that if they died, I would "poof" into thin air or melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. It was like if they died, a part of me would die too. My favorite part of visiting Minnesota is when Sarah and I always stop by the Little Theatre and hang out during rehearsals or help out with auditions. Although I miss the old times, I enjoy seeing my close theatre "family" and I have come to learn that I can love the stage no matter where it is.

"Oh-ten"

I remember the day I first calculated the year I would graduate. It was in 7th grade. I was talking with my best friend Sarah. We were counting on our fingers, trying to figure out what year we would be seniors. After a couple tries, (cuz we were never good at math, even when we helped each other) Sarah smiled as she said, "We'll be the graduates of 'oh-ten'!"

That was five years ago. I thought five years was such a long way a ways. But "oh-ten" is here now. "Oh-ten" is the spring I graduate. "Oh-ten" is the summer I get to spend with my friends, family, and Carl. "Oh-ten" is the autumn I move to Kansas City. It's the year I perform in my last high school play and I have no idea when I will be back on the stage I love so dearly. It's the year I turn 18 and I'll never be able to relive the good, and bad high school moments. It's the year that I start a whole new chapter in my life...again. 

I am going to make the best of this year. Especially the first three-quarters, before I go off to college. I'm going to try my hardest in school. I am going to act my best in theater. I am going to make the best of this summer; doing something fun everyday. Whether it be helping at VBS, having Sarah down to visit, going to Minnesota for the CGYC mission trips, spending time with Carl. I am going to build even deeper friendships within my youth group. 

My new years resolution is to have no regrets. The only regret I have from this year is taking so long to adjust to my new surroundings. When 2011 comes around, I want to be able to look back and say that 2010 was the best year of my life. I am excited, nervous, and happy all at once. So 2010, here I come! :)

God bless the graduates of "oh-ten"!

Performance

So, this morning, I was taking advantage of my three day snow day (ridiculous! one day was great, two days were good, a bit of cabin fever though, but three days? Come on now. That's just called "not wanting to go to work tomorrow") and I slept in until about 9:30. I always sleep with the radio on. I don't know why, but I just do. Anyway, I was listening to 100.7 KGBI, a Christian radio station and there happened to be a talk-show going on when I woke up. A lady was telling a story....

There was a woman who had a son, about 3 or 4 years old, and he had a severe mental disorder. One morning, this lady was washing the dishes up after breakfast. Her son was sitting there, drooling, with food all over his face. As she washed the dishes, she was praying and God asked her something. 
"Do you love your son?"
"Why, yes, of course I do."
"Why do you love him? He can't "perform" for you. He won't be able to walk at his graduation, he won't be able to get married, won't be able to give you grandchildren. WHY do you love him?"
"Well, I love him because he is mine."
"And that, daughter, is how I feel about you."

You see, we will never be able to "perform" for God. Nothing we do is ever "good enough" for God. "Performing" isn't how we "win" God over. God loves us because we are His ! The Bible says that every "righteous" thing we do, is just a dirty rag in God's eyes. (Isaiah 64:6) No "good work" will make Him love us any more than He already does. And you guys, I can't even begin to describe His love for us. We can't even imagine it! It makes me shiver!! (well, that and the fact that my room is an icebox :-p )
I guess that story just kind of hit me and I've been thinking about it all day so I wanted to share it. And I'm not saying that our "good works" don't mean anything, cuz they do! But, I feel like so many people out there think they aren't "good enough" or they are required to do a certain amount of good things in their lives, when in reality, that is not the case! We just need to believe in Jesus Christ, love Him, and allow ourselves to be loved. Which, sometimes, is easier said than done. 

Come So Far

So, a few weeks ago, I was in Minnesota visiting for a wedding. I got to see my best friend for life, Sarah :), my family and some old friends I've known since 7th grade as well. I realized something that weekend. All these people that I spent four amazing years with, are where they are supposed to be in life. They are where God placed them. Same friends, basically same school, same church/youth group. Which is all good and fine for them. But, as much as I hate to say it, I'm glad I'm not in their situation anymore. Like, what I mean is, I'm glad I'm not stuck in the same old lifestyle and lifecycle that I was before. I feel like I've been on an adventure moving to Papillion. New friends, new school, new church. New life. I'm glad God put me in a new place. Now that I look back, if I had stayed in Elk River, I would just be bored. I'm a person who likes new things and new places. 
Again (and I know I've said this before) Papillion will never take the place of my friends or the things I loved in Elk River. Ever! But I've been given so much and been so blessed by the people here. I'm glad God brought me on this adventure. I'll always have memories, and my close friends (wether they be here or there) to get me through the "homesick" periods. 
I guess what Im really tryin to say is, I am so incredibly thankful to God for bringing me here. :) I cannot wait to see what the future brings! :D 


Hey old friend, let's look back
On the crazy clothes we wore
Ain't it fun to look back
And to see it's all been done before

Cause it's so clear
Every year we get stronger
What's gone is gone
The past is the past
Turn the radio up
And then hit the gas

Cause . . .
I know we've Come So Far
But we've Got So Far To Go
I know the road seems long
But it won't be long 'till it's time to go

So, most days we'll take it fast
And some nights lets take it slow
I know we've Come So Far
But baby
We've Got So Far To Go

Hey old friend, together
Side by side and year by year
The road was filled with twists and turns
Oh but that's the road that got me here

Hey old friend come along for the ride
There's plenty of room so jump inside
The highway's rocky every now and then
But it so much better than
where I've been

Just keep movin', at your own speed...
...Let's keep cruisin' the road we're on
'Cause the rear view mirror only shows
what's gone, gone, gone

Cause it's so clear
Every year
We get stronger
So shine that light
Take my hand
And let's dance into tomorrow land
~ Come So Far (Got So Far to Go)
Hairspray (Movie Soundtrack)

Mirror, Mirror

Do you ever have those days when you are feeling particularly attractive? I do. But I also have days where I feel particularly unattractive. I think it just depends on the day. But no matter what the day, I know that if I ever look at my face close up in the mirror, my self-esteem goes down a bit. When you do a close up of your face, you see all the imperfections, and that's not very appealing. 

I think situations in life can be just like that. Or even life itself in general. Sometimes we like how things look from afar, but when we look closely, we see the imperfections and it grosses us out. We want to keep our distance in the mirror of life. We want to keep things, and situations attractive. 

I don't know. 
I guess it's just a random thought of the day. 
Tell me what you think :)