Becoming Me

When I was about 6 or 7, one my neighbors in my cul-de-sac in Plymouth MN had a garage sale. I went over with my mom like we always did when there was a local garage sale.When we were there, I found some sort of lego type thing (I don't remember exactly what type of toy it was) where you made your own shopping mall. Let's just say it was love at first sight. After begging mom to buy it for the small price of 5 bucks, I proudly brought it home. I remember seeing the stickers on the wall of the mini mall. There was an electronics store, a food court, and various hair and clothing stores. On one of the stickers was a cartoon picture of a lady with flowing blonde curly hair; kind of resembling the image of a Barbie. And because I had wavy, blondish hair, I remember thinking, "That's probably what I'm going look like when I'm all grown up." 

I looked at myself today in the mirror and that far away memory flooded my mind. I look nothing like that measly little cartoon woman on a sticker and I realized that who I am today, is who I have become. To this day, I still imagine what I'm going to act like, or look like in the future. But I have to remember that I'm not changing anymore; at least in the physical sense. I have become who I am.

Up to 3 years ago...even 2 years ago I remember thinking, "Wow. Alisha was a junior in high school when she was pregnant with me. That's old." And I kept thinking that until the year I was a junior and it struck me. Wait, this is how old she was, and I am that age. Weird. I am now graduated. What?! 

I'm old. I'm grown up. I'll be 18 in two months. I move away this fall. No longer fully depending on my parents. It's just so weird because this day always seemed so far off, but now it's here and I can't seem to grasp that thought. 

Of course I will learn new things, I will probably develop opinions I never had, or improve my opinions I have now. But I have become who I am. I know what I believe, I have my morals and I have me. Who God created me to be. 



I have often dreamed
Of a far off place
A great warm welcome
Would be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be

I'll be there someday
I can go the distance
I will find my way
If I can be strong
I know ev'ry mile
Will be worth my while
When I go the distance
I'll be right where I belong

Down an unknown road
To embrace my fate
Though the road may wander
It will lead me to you
And a thousand years
Would be worth the wait
It may take a lifetime
But somehow I'll see it through

And I won't look back
I can go the distance
And I'll stay on track
No I won't accept defeat
It's an uphill slope
But I won't lose hope
Till I go the distance
And my journey is complete

Like a shooting star
I can go the distance
I will search the world
I will face its harms
I don't care how far
I can go the distance
TillI find my hero's welcome
Waiting in your arms...

Christian Response to the Day of Silence

"The God of the Bible could never love someone like me..."

Have you ever felt this way? I'm sure more people can relate to this statement than you can possibly imagine. I believe that many homosexuals, in particular, are taunted by this idea. Somewhere along the way, someone has ingrained the idea in their head that God hates gay people...and I for one believe that it's way past time that we as Christians help change that perception.

How? Well, there is a great opportunity to begin conversations left and right, because this past week there was an event that included over 8000 schools across the country called "Day of Silence." The purpose of the event is to "call attention to the serious problem of anti‐lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender bullying, harassment, name‐calling and discrimination in schools." Why a day of silence? Because LGBT students are often forced into silence and isolation by bullying and out of fear of discrimination.

Whether or not your school participated, pretty much everyone on the planet knows about this event, and the question is...

What will you do with this great opportunity?

Option one: ignore, ridicule, or criticize the event with a judgmental, superior attitude.

Of course the problem with this option is the fact that it's not Biblically justified. In fact, check out the example of Paul:

Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law...To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings (1 Corinthians 9:19-20; 22-23).

Do you see what's going on here? There is no doubt in my mind that he would urge us to stand against bullying and the persecution of anyone for any reason.

So to ignore, ridicule or criticize would in many ways reinforce the idea that "God hates gays"-

Which He doesn't.

For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).

Remember this verse? The original word for "world" here does not mean the big blue ball that's spinning around the sun. The word is actually kosmos - which specifically refers to the mass of humanity inhabiting the Earth.

So...

God loves you and me, and also the people across the planet.

God loves the priests and the pastors, and also the criminals and the convicts.

God loves the Christians and the atheists, and also the Muslims and the Buddhists.

God loves the straight, and yes, He loves gays and lesbians.

That's why option two is really the only one available to those who claim the name of Jesus Christ - and that is to break the silence by acknowledging the bullying and harassment, and engage in authentic conversations about the Biblical perspective on homosexuality. Understand that this is not preaching or finger pointing, rather a humble attempt to let God open up a mutual dialogue about your differences and similarities.

So what's it going to be? I am totally convinced that if Jesus walked the halls of your school after the Day of Silence, He would engage in conversation and share God's perspective with the participants, just like He did with a prostitute in John 4. He would listen to them, show compassion, and then challenge them with the God's truth.

And most importantly, remember that our job is simply willingness to be used by God and model Christ-likeness. You are not out to win a debate or change anything, rather you are a representative of Jesus called to share not only His love, but the life-changing message of the gospel. Wherever the conversation goes, make sure you take the opportunity to relate how you broke the silence with God when you trusted in Jesus Christ alone for salvation.

Prayer of a Searching, Desperate, Broken Spirit

Oh Jesus.

Thank You. Thank You. 
I love You.
I went to Grant and Colby's youth group today, just for fun. I didn't have anything else to do. Right before I left I felt like I didn't even want to go anymore. I wanted to stay home and work on my scrapbook. 
Anyway, we watched a video of clips from The Passion of the Christ. At first, I was thinking, "oh, I've seen this many times before. No biggie." But each time I saw the soldiers whipping You, I couldn't look. I had to close my eyes. It was so real to me. Suddenly I felt this love for You that I don't know that I've ever felt before. 
I love You so much. 
You are my friend. Well, at least I want You to be. I don't know if I've been allowing You to be my friend. You are the only friend that will ever truly accept 100% of me. You will never back-stab me. You will never be mad at me. You will never jokingly mess around with me. But most importantly, You will never, ever, leave me. I want to be able to walk with You, laugh with You, talk with You; just, hang out. I want You to be my best friend. 
Thank You for the cross.
I've been thinking about something a lot lately, now that I'm close to graduation. There is one thing I regret since coming to Nebraska. I kind of know, and can kind of see how You are using me at my youth group. I catch glimpses of that every once in a while. But, I look back over the last year and a half, and I don't see it at school. Especially within drama. I'm seen as this, type of leader, I guess, at youth group. People come to me for advice, and two of the leaders are some of my closest friends because we can have amazing mature discussions about You. They share with me some things they don't share with some of the other teenagers. I, I guess...I regret not showing that side of me at school. I wish I had, because really, that's who I truly am. At school, I'm Slagathor; the drama geek, the loud, kind of awkward one from Minnesota. Which is all fine, but that's not all I am. I regret not sharing You with more of my friends. I regret saying things I shouldn't have. I regret not saying things that I know I should have. I regret doing things I shouldn't have. I regret not doing things I know I should have. 
I love you more than life.

"I will not boast in anything, no gifts no power no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection"

I'm looking for You, Jesus. I'm searching for You. I want to find You. You are the Treasure, the Prize. 
I'm need You, God. I'm desperate for You. You, and You alone will sustain me. 
I'm broken, Holy Spirit. Restore me, Lord. I come before You a broken, and shattered spirit, ready for Your healing touch.

"How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure
That He should give his only son, and make a wretch his treasure"
Thank You, for everything.

I will always and forever be, Your willing daughter and best friend.

In Jesus' name,
Amen 

Slagathor

I need to write. I just don't know what to write about. Lately, I've been feeling what I haven't felt in years. The feeling of emptiness, sadness, hurt, and like my life has no meaning at this point in time. I haven't felt this since before March 8th 2007. Ugh, I can't think of the word, but there is a word to describe exactly what I'm feeling. Disappointment? No. Unworthiness? Close, but not. I know that this is not God. I know it's not. I just...I'm just ready to move on. I can feel myself stepping into a new season with God. That hunger that I had that one summer, that summer of 2007, is slowly coming back. That ache to know God even deeper, even more than ever before. I need to leave, go to Kansas City and start over there. I used to dread going there. I hated the thought of it. I didn't want to leave what I had just found here. But now, all of a sudden, all that has changed. It's still extremely important to me, but what God has for me in Kansas City means more than everything else. So, all in all, it's very confusing. In the midst of feeling like my life has no meaning, I still feel like I'm falling deeper in love with Jesus Christ.

I have a nickname. That name is Slagathor. People call me Slags.(And if you are a fan of the TV show Scrubs, you will recognize it) I like that nickname cuz I feel like it fits me right now. I have no idea what the heck it means, or why it was chosen, but it's odd, and it feels like it fits.

There's No Place Like Home - An Environmental Memoir

My best friend, Sarah, and I had a running joke that when we tapped our heels together and chanted, "There's no place like home" that nothing would happen because the Elk River Little Theatre was, in fact, our "home".

After being involved with ten productions in the Little Theatre, not including various talent shows and choir concerts, I can't even begin to imagine how many hours I spent there. I can fondly look back to each show and remember memories that were good, and some that were not so good. The Little Theatre was very well named. It was a small, brick-walled theatre in the Elk River Public High School. It had two isles which split the seats into three groups of a hundred and an extremely tiny light booth in the back of the house. And depending on the show, we hardly had any backstage space; but a school hallway on the right side of the theatre helped wiht our larger cast plays. The scene shop behind the backstage was filled up with costumes and various set pieces and it always had this musty smell that kind of seeped into the rest of the stage area.

My favorite part of the Little Theatre was definitely the stage. I remember my very first play was on that stage and I was so surprised when the lights first came on; I couldn't see the audience! The lights were blinding me, and beyond that, it was just a black hole that protected me from the focused stares of the people in front of me. Every once in a while I could hear someone's loud father laughing at a part that wasn't even very funny, or a little kid start crying with a mom that was too stubborn to take the whimpering child outside the theatre. But other than that, it was like I was in a separate world on stage.

I loved the building, the stage, but what I miss most are the people. They were what made the Little Theatre so special to me. Even though I hated the times we had to have rehearsals in the elementary music room, practice was the part of the day I looked forward to and loved the most; because of the people I was with. Throughout my three and a half years there, I developed bonds with people that I knew would last for a lifetime. With Sarah, with my director, with my friend Mike, and so many others that impacted my life on such a level I will never be able to explain. We didn't just perform together, we lived life together. When our friend was suicidal, Sarah and I were there for him. When Derick's daddy drama was getting too much to handle, we took him out for ice cream. When Sarah and I were having a tiff, Kristin was there to remind we that the friendship between Sarah and I was so strong, that the little thing we were fighting about would blow over in about a day; and she was always right. Or when I found out I was moving to Papillion, my whole "family" at the Little Theatre was there to help me through all of that emotional crap.

My favorite memory of all has to be from my last show. It was Disney's Aladdin Jr. and we had just finished our last performance; we were all smiling and happy with our success. The cast was about the leave the stage after our bow when my director Eileen walked on with a bouquet of roses. I had never instantly gone from smiling to tears before, but wen I saw her I knew exactly what she was doing. With herself tearing up as well, she presented the roses to me in front of the entire audience explaining how, "This year was the last performance for one of You Theatre Workshop's greatest loved ones." By the end of her speech, the entire cast had surrounded me in a huge group hug and over half of them were in tears as well.

For the first few weeks after that, I tried my hardest to keep those roses alive because I felt that if they died, I would "poof" into thin air or melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. It was like if they died, a part of me would die too. My favorite part of visiting Minnesota is when Sarah and I always stop by the Little Theatre and hang out during rehearsals or help out with auditions. Although I miss the old times, I enjoy seeing my close theatre "family" and I have come to learn that I can love the stage no matter where it is.

"Oh-ten"

I remember the day I first calculated the year I would graduate. It was in 7th grade. I was talking with my best friend Sarah. We were counting on our fingers, trying to figure out what year we would be seniors. After a couple tries, (cuz we were never good at math, even when we helped each other) Sarah smiled as she said, "We'll be the graduates of 'oh-ten'!"

That was five years ago. I thought five years was such a long way a ways. But "oh-ten" is here now. "Oh-ten" is the spring I graduate. "Oh-ten" is the summer I get to spend with my friends, family, and Carl. "Oh-ten" is the autumn I move to Kansas City. It's the year I perform in my last high school play and I have no idea when I will be back on the stage I love so dearly. It's the year I turn 18 and I'll never be able to relive the good, and bad high school moments. It's the year that I start a whole new chapter in my life...again. 

I am going to make the best of this year. Especially the first three-quarters, before I go off to college. I'm going to try my hardest in school. I am going to act my best in theater. I am going to make the best of this summer; doing something fun everyday. Whether it be helping at VBS, having Sarah down to visit, going to Minnesota for the CGYC mission trips, spending time with Carl. I am going to build even deeper friendships within my youth group. 

My new years resolution is to have no regrets. The only regret I have from this year is taking so long to adjust to my new surroundings. When 2011 comes around, I want to be able to look back and say that 2010 was the best year of my life. I am excited, nervous, and happy all at once. So 2010, here I come! :)

God bless the graduates of "oh-ten"!

Performance

So, this morning, I was taking advantage of my three day snow day (ridiculous! one day was great, two days were good, a bit of cabin fever though, but three days? Come on now. That's just called "not wanting to go to work tomorrow") and I slept in until about 9:30. I always sleep with the radio on. I don't know why, but I just do. Anyway, I was listening to 100.7 KGBI, a Christian radio station and there happened to be a talk-show going on when I woke up. A lady was telling a story....

There was a woman who had a son, about 3 or 4 years old, and he had a severe mental disorder. One morning, this lady was washing the dishes up after breakfast. Her son was sitting there, drooling, with food all over his face. As she washed the dishes, she was praying and God asked her something. 
"Do you love your son?"
"Why, yes, of course I do."
"Why do you love him? He can't "perform" for you. He won't be able to walk at his graduation, he won't be able to get married, won't be able to give you grandchildren. WHY do you love him?"
"Well, I love him because he is mine."
"And that, daughter, is how I feel about you."

You see, we will never be able to "perform" for God. Nothing we do is ever "good enough" for God. "Performing" isn't how we "win" God over. God loves us because we are His ! The Bible says that every "righteous" thing we do, is just a dirty rag in God's eyes. (Isaiah 64:6) No "good work" will make Him love us any more than He already does. And you guys, I can't even begin to describe His love for us. We can't even imagine it! It makes me shiver!! (well, that and the fact that my room is an icebox :-p )
I guess that story just kind of hit me and I've been thinking about it all day so I wanted to share it. And I'm not saying that our "good works" don't mean anything, cuz they do! But, I feel like so many people out there think they aren't "good enough" or they are required to do a certain amount of good things in their lives, when in reality, that is not the case! We just need to believe in Jesus Christ, love Him, and allow ourselves to be loved. Which, sometimes, is easier said than done.